tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
