In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
