At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I will be naked everywhere
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
