I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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