i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
