so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
