Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
