She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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