I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
