the condom got lost in my hair
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
