Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
