Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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