Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
