Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
