It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
