Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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