i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
