today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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