some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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