Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
