Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize