why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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