My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
