know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
