Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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