that's an acceptable place to lick
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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