I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
