Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm too high and old for this...
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
