I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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