the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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