It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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