you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
