If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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