REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
