My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
