oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
