I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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