I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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