I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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