My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
