I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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