Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
