Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
