Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
