Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
