shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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