i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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