i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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