Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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