The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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