Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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