I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
