I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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