There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
