We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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