Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
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