dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
